The Product of a Broken Heart Page 2

  I hesitantly replied to my mother, “Yes, I’m coming.” I said it loud enough to say, “I said that I was coming,” but soft enough for just a little more time. It seemed I couldn’t pack enough toys. With the excitement boiling over, I grabbed a few more dolls and stuffed them in my already-full overnight bag, darted out the door, and slid into the back seat. Ignoring the upset look on my mother’s face, while trying not to look at her in the eyes to avoid any long lectures about making sure she got to work on time. I kept smiling from ear to ear because of the excitement that was spilling over. Just to spend some time with my cousins is well worth the yelling, I mumbled to myself as my mother drove off in her Oldsmobile.

  As my mother was driving up to the house, I could feel the urgency rising to get in and show all my cousins my new dolls. I had just gotten the new Barbie and Ken set that every girl was dying to have, and I was bubbling over with joy to see their faces when I pulled them out! I screamed from within.

  With my ponytail flapping in my face and the toys forcing their way out the half-zipped bag, I got out the car and eagerly waved goodbye to my mother.

  “Okay, Dana! I will pick you up in the morning,” my mother screamed out to me through the window with her eyes still looking forward as she sped off, waving one hand out of the window, rushing to get to work.

  I turned around; still smiling, I shifted my backpack and walked as quickly as I could to the door. As I approached, I could hear my cousins running around and yelling as they laughed and played. After what seemed like forever, I finally made it to the Front door and quickly darted in.

  “Hey, Dana!” they all said one by one.

  The beads in their heads flopped from one side to the other as they swarmed me. As we all sat on the living room floor their curiosity began to rise, concerned about what was in my bag. They always keep their hair so nice, I thought as I glanced up at my oldest cousin tiffany, who tucked a braid behind her ear that was dangling in her face.

  “Whatchu got?” she asked loudly, examining my overpacked night bag.

  I smiled without saying a word, biting my bottom lip as I unzipped my backpack and started to pull out all the dolls I had been waiting to show them. One by one, they screeched with excitement.

  “I want Barbie,” tiffany yelled out.

  “No, I want Barbie,” my other cousin Emily yelled out as she snatched it from tiffany’s hand.

  Before I could actually get all the dolls out the bag all the way, I heard someone scream over all the excitement, “Take that mess in the room!”

  As I quickly spun around, I noticed it was my aunts’ boyfriend Danny! He was never really nice, but there was something odd about this time. His tone was cold and chilling for a ten-year-old, and I thought it was quite creepy, if I had the option to tell anyone. I rolled my eyes as I glanced up at him and suddenly got very irritated. He had just ruined the moment when I was just about to pull out the new barbie summer clothes set I had just gotten, boy did I want to scream at him I said as I looked up at him in anger. Instead of being disrespectful and snap back, I gathered my things quickly while looking over and noticing that my cousins were scared of him too. Quickly picking up our things I noticed they avoided eye contact with him as we moved slowly towards their room. I noticed danny looking at them up and down as they move passed him, with their heads still hanging down they began to move even more briskly pass him to avoid any eye contact or conversation as we got near the room. from. Rushing to get to the room, we one by one tumbled over each other, laughing as we unintentionally formed a human sand castle. We enjoyed hours of playing and laughing, from dress up to pretending we were the incredible Barbie who was waiting for her prince charming, Ken. This was a normal thing when we all got together, as we playfully fought over which one of us would be Barbie and who would be her envious friends. By the time we ran out of ideas for Barbie and her many adventures, it was time to put our toys up and go to sleep.

  Sleeping over at my cousins’ house always became a problem at bedtime. There were always too many of us to sleep in the queen bed. It was seven of us trying to make room to sleep comfortably. We tossed and turned from side to side and finally snuggled into our spots, with legs on top of legs. I figured this would just have to do until mother come to get me in the morning. I huffed in frustration as I felt one of my cousin’s feet touch the side of my face. I crossed my arms on my chest and tried to close my eyes to try to squeeze in some sleep.

  Just as I thought I would be ok to go to sleep, tiffany nudged me in the side, leaned over, and whispered, “I wish I could go stay with you.” As she swung the beads out of her face that blocked her view of looking at me.

  I laughed and said softly, “I wish I could stay with you guys, for you have the fun, the toys, and the siblings I wish I could have.”

  She leaned in toward me, and gazed in my eyes, then opened her mouth as if she wanted to tell me something. She tried to force the words out but couldn’t seem to say anything.

  Just before I was about to ask what was wrong, I heard danny yell, “Go to sleep!” interrupting my conversation with my cousin! “Go to sleep!” he yelled again, as I heard the footsteps come closer as he left his room and approached the door to the room we were lying in. As if the first yell was not good enough, I murmured under my breath.

  He seemed a bit irritated—what was his problem? I thought as he walked off, rolling his eyes as he turned around to go back into his room. We had put our toys up and laid down as we were instructed. What could he possibly be that upset with us about?

  I tossed and turned in frustration, trying to fall asleep. I realized that doing so in this snug position was close to impossible. I just couldn’t seem to get comfortable.

  I threw the blanket off me and yelled out, “I want to go in the living room and lay on the couch!” And then, just in case he decided to ask me why, I screamed out sarcastically, “There are seven of us, trying to sleep comfortably in a queen bed!” My aunt had gone to bed early after she did the cooking and cleaning. I know after she takes her night medicine that it was no more getting back up for her. So I was left to deal with danny, I thought to myself as I huffed and puffed the more.

  At that moment I realized how grateful I was for my own big, comfy bed. Part of me wanted to go home, but I knew I had a few more hours before my mother would arrive and honking her horn for me to come out.

  “Go ahead and go in the living room,” he said with an uneased tone.

  All I could think of at the moment was that I wanted my mother.

  I ignored the way he looked at me as I got out of bed, as he slowly made his way back to the door where we lay. His eyes stuck to me like glue as they went from head to toe. I quickly grabbed my throw blanket and headed straight toward the living room, walking through what I thought was minus thirty degrees in the house. I wanted to turn around and ask him for a bigger blanket, but seeing the look on his face, I slowly turned back around, sucked in my bottom lip, and kept walking, I will just ignore that thought I said under my breath, chuckling and walking off. I slid onto the couch and wrapped my thin throw blanket that I had packed for the night around me. If I covered the top part of my body, my feet would freeze, and if I covered the bottom part of my body, then the top part of my body would be cold. I threw myself back on the couch, huffing and puffing as I tried to get comfortable. I’m cold, the blanket is not long enough, and now I just want to go home!

  I glanced up at the ceiling fan as it spun around, easing a smile back on my face. I had finally gotten to play with my cousins and show off my new dolls that neither of them had. It was worth the yelling my mother had done all the way to their house, going on and on about how I made her late for work. Late for my mother was not being at the time clock thirty minutes early to gossip with her coworkers about what is going on with the job neither of them wanted to show up to. Wiping my eyes, I tossed on my side to try to get some sleep, drifting in and
out as I batted my eyes, I finally fell asleep.

  “Wake up!”

  Danny whispered in my ear. His heart was beating so fast as I watched his chest rise and fall, he was breathing as if he had just ran in the olympics I thought to myself.

  “Wake up,” he said again.

  “Wake up,” he said a third time, but this time it was a bit in frustration as he put one finger to his mouth, advising me to be silent.

  I turned from side to side to see what was going on. Panicking, I gasped for air as I moved as fast as I could away from him. He pushed me back down, placing one hand to his mouth. He quickly put one leg on both sides of me, and with the other hand ripped off the blanket I had tried to tuck myself into. Confused about what was going on, I looked around to see if anyone else was in on what I thought could have been a horrible joke. I turned my head back and forth until I thought it was going to fly from my neck.

  Maybe I did something wrong and was now getting punished for it. As the thoughts and the what-ifs ran through my mind, he rubbed my leg and slowly put his hand on my private parts. I concluded that this was wrong and that whatever I had done didn’t warrant what was happening to me at this moment. What was my auntie boyfriend doing on top of me? I wondered as I felt the tears building up in my eyes.

  As he forced his hand down my underwear, I gripped my legs tighter together so his hand would not get through. I glanced up at him and saw the sweat dripping from his forehead as I tightened my legs together even more. The more I gripped my legs together the angrier he got. I started to scream, but he shushed me by putting his hand over my face and gave me a glare that said I had better get on board with what was happening. His eyes were pitch black and cold, and he looked scarier than I remembered.

  I glanced at him before squeezing my eyes shut, scared of what would happen if I didn’t go along with what he demanded. I felt the tears that I tried to hold in force their way out of the side of my eyes. I could feel his cold hands on me, one on my face, gripping my mouth and the other on my shoulder. I could feel him breathing harder as his breath blew rapidly in my face. I squeezed my eyes as hard as I could as my heart raced, and I cried all the more in silence. I could feel the tears streaming down my face and stop at the back of my neck, as a puddle began to form where I lay weeping for someone to come save me from what was going on.

  I wondered why he was doing this. What is going on? I thought to myself. I tried to yell again, but he quickly gripped my mouth tighter, signaling me to be silent. I cried and cried and cried some more. As He thrust in his penis, I screamed as he quickly put his hand over my mouth to shut me up, as the tears fled my eyes like a running river. Trying to catch my breath, I grasped the couch with my nails until I thought my nails were going to fall off. I struggled to understand what was going on as he stopped his thrusting and slowly got off of me. Briskly I wiggled to move away from him, pushing myself into the corner of the couch as he slowly stood in front of me. I knew that this was not right, but why did someone I trust think this was? I was left confused. How could someone take what was so fragile and innocent and damage it without thinking twice about the consequences? Or maybe he did but didn’t care, I thought as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

  As he stood over me pulling up his pants and zipping his zipper, he glared at me and firmly warned me, “You better not say anything to anyone, especially your mother.” He said slowly, as he tried to catch his breath.

  I sat there scared, shaking in a puddle of broken pieces I couldn’t fix, frantically and silently crying for help, but I knew somehow that help was not on the way.

  As he began to walk away, he looked at me, warning me to stay silent one last time as he turned and walked down the long hallway to his room. I tried to silence my crying, scared of what would happen if I didn’t. Sobbing hysterically, I managed to pull my underwear and pants up. Once he was no longer in sight, I frantically ran into the bathroom and fumbled for the lights. I could feel my shirt wet from the sweat and tears, as I pulled it away from my body as I impatiently felt for the light. Now where is the light I said to myself. After what seemed like hours, I finally found the light switch, swiftly went in, and locked the door behind me, slamming my back to the door as I tried to catch my breath, resting my head in the palm of my hands.

  After catching my breath I headed towards the sink and turned on the water then looked up as I took a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My eyes were swollen from squeezing them shut, trying to hold in the tears that managed to force their way out, wanting to avoid looking at him with everything in me. As I splashed cold water on my face, I cried silently even more, trying to come up with an answer for the many questions that began to flood my mind. When I sat down on the toilet, I noticed there was blood in my underwear. I quickly grabbed some tissue rolled it up a few times and placed it where the blood was and pulled my pants back up.

  As I washed my hands, I could hear footsteps from the hall, so I quickly looked around for a towel. grabbed a stringy towel that was hanging on the rack and quickly dried my face and hands, and started towards the bathroom door. Building the energy to make my way back to the couch, I forced myself to lay down and slowly put the throw blanket over my head. As much as I wanted the sobbing to stop, the more the sobbing continued. Where was my help? Didn’t anyone hear me? Could I go tell my aunt I asked myself, would he really do anything bad to me I wondered? Did anyone know what had just happened was wrong? As the questions rolled over and over in my head, I decided to be silent and still. looking at the ceiling fan spin around and around drifting in and out of sleep, until my eyes managed to close for the night, falling asleep, cold and alone.

  Chapter 2

  That morning, my mother picked me up. “Dana, hurry and get in the car!” She yelled as she honked the horn.

  Rushing only to get home and go to sleep for a couple of hours just to prepare for her next job, I said sarcastically to myself as walked up to the car.

  “Dana,” she yelled again, in her low-pitched but agitated tone.

  I usually would have been on edge to hear my mother scream, only because I knew the consequences that normally followed, but for some reason, I didn’t care at this moment. I felt angry at this woman who said she was my mother. Out of anyone I thought that she would protect me, did she not know about danny? I wanted to scream out to her. Instead I slowly got in the car and slammed the door, hoping she would know that something was wrong with me. I hoped she would ask questions like How are you doing this morning Dana, or Is everything alright, Dana? But she didn’t say a word, just drove off with her eyes glued to the road.

  I could tell by her face that she was tired. Her posture was bent over leaning almost on the wheel and her eyes were so low that I thought she would fall asleep while driving. I wanted to tell her what happened to me last night, but I remembered the look danny gave me as I was heading out the door, his eyes never blinking as I moved slowly passed him, warning me with his pitch-black eyes not to say a word. I remembered the finger he held up to his mouth that silenced me to not ever say anything to anyone, not even to my mother. I just knew I couldn’t tell a soul, for I didn’t want anything bad to happen to me ever again! Why did I deserve this? What did I do? I asked myself over and over again.

  As I sat in the back seat of my mother’s car, I looked out the window at the sky and knew that I was not the princess I had thought I was for so long. I closed my eyes, drifting in and out of sleep, repeating to myself over and over in my head that I was not a princess. Everything is going wrong! I screamed from within, resting my head on the car door as I dug my nails into my skin, I am not a princess I repeated to myself, then closed my eyes and fell asleep

  After finally getting home I ran directly into the bathroom to take a shower. I could still smell the lingering odor from danny that I couldn’t get off quick enough I thought to myself as I threw my gown and underwear on the counter. Stripping off my clothes piece by piece as
quickly as I could, as if the clothes itself was smothering me from breathing. As I got down to my underwear I noticed the blood in my underwear and the tissue that I had rolled up into them. Starting to panic and shake of the thought of my mother finding them. I quickly looked under the sink for a trash bag and tossed the underwear and the bloody tissue into it, and swiftly tied and placed the bag in the trash bin, then covered it with paper I had found in the drawer, then hopped in the running shower. I felt I could not get clean enough, the more I scrubbed the more dirtier I felt. I scrubbed my chest so hard that I scrubbed a piece of skin off, as I looked down and saw the blood running from the skin tare I had made. After finalizing that I could not get any cleaner I got out the shower dried off, threw my gown on and went into my room, flopped down on my bed, and looked up at the ceiling. I could hear the next-door neighbors arguing back and forth. Boom! Boom! A frightening knock came from the wall. Sounds like they are at it again, I thought. Bang! Another loud knock followed through the walls, followed by yelling and screaming. It became an every-other-night ritual. Sometimes after coming from the club or after the man had sat on the porch and drank a few beers, I would hear them fighting. I would hear things getting slammed around, dishes thrown from wall to wall, and then I would hear the woman suddenly screaming.

  I didn’t know her personally. I just saw her in passing and noticed she had a black eye every now and then. Whenever she caught me staring, she would quickly put on her sunglasses, as if I was that important that she had to hide it from me. I would just look at her and roll my eyes. I have my own problems, I thought to myself as I walked past her, unconcerned about the black eye or busted lip she tried to hide. My mother always said she would never leave him, no matter how bad he beat on her. As the fighting continued, I turned over and put a pillow over my head and went to sleep.